2008 Woodie Awards
W.W.M.D?
Pop Culture Waste Land
John Roberts
Issue date: 9/27/06 Section: Opinion
On Saturday, I found myself in quite a strange predicament. I was at a concert, and had just gotten through the "pat down" procedure that is now mandated. It wasn't that I was worried, after all. I wasn't trying to break any sacred rules of the venue. I did not have any weapons, glass or beach chairs. However, when the security guard told me that I couldn't bring my lighter in, I was quite upset.
"Look, I've been here for concerts at least a dozen times. This venue is outdoors, that is why I enjoy it so much. I like to watch bands while I smoke cigarettes. You can't do that very often anymore. So, can I have my lighter back now?" The security guard paused for a second, then again said "no" flatly.
Sure, I could throw a fit and demand my lighter back, but was a lighter really worth missing a concert that I paid over $80 for? I quickly chose a few expletives, muttered them under my breath, and walked away.
By the time I got to my seat, I was actually feeling pretty good about the whole situation. Who needs cigarettes anyways? It was only going to be 12 hours or so before I could use the lighter in my car. I can sleep for eight hours and not have to have a cigarette, so why should I worry about this?
That particular opinion lasted almost an entire hour. Soon enough the nicotine blues started kicking in and I suddenly thought "What Would MacGyver Do?"
For those of you who do not know who MacGyver is, he was a character on TV (and now MasterCard ads) who can use just about anything to solve the problem at hand. If he couldn't figure out how to light a cigarette with all of the things I had in my possession, no one could.
So, I took a look around at my personal inventory which included a ballpoint pen, some keys, a wallet, a cell phone and an unopened package of smokes. What would the crime-fighting-improvisational detective think of that could possibly help me out of this bind?
When I listened closely to the inner MacGyver we all have inside ourselves, the first thing he said was "Check the wallet." So, I opened up the wallet I carry everywhere I go (and glimpse into, in hopes of finding money I never lost) and checked the credit card holder. There, all the way in the back was a present I never used. I found my credit card-sized magnifying lens.
"Look, I've been here for concerts at least a dozen times. This venue is outdoors, that is why I enjoy it so much. I like to watch bands while I smoke cigarettes. You can't do that very often anymore. So, can I have my lighter back now?" The security guard paused for a second, then again said "no" flatly.
Sure, I could throw a fit and demand my lighter back, but was a lighter really worth missing a concert that I paid over $80 for? I quickly chose a few expletives, muttered them under my breath, and walked away.
By the time I got to my seat, I was actually feeling pretty good about the whole situation. Who needs cigarettes anyways? It was only going to be 12 hours or so before I could use the lighter in my car. I can sleep for eight hours and not have to have a cigarette, so why should I worry about this?
That particular opinion lasted almost an entire hour. Soon enough the nicotine blues started kicking in and I suddenly thought "What Would MacGyver Do?"
For those of you who do not know who MacGyver is, he was a character on TV (and now MasterCard ads) who can use just about anything to solve the problem at hand. If he couldn't figure out how to light a cigarette with all of the things I had in my possession, no one could.
So, I took a look around at my personal inventory which included a ballpoint pen, some keys, a wallet, a cell phone and an unopened package of smokes. What would the crime-fighting-improvisational detective think of that could possibly help me out of this bind?
When I listened closely to the inner MacGyver we all have inside ourselves, the first thing he said was "Check the wallet." So, I opened up the wallet I carry everywhere I go (and glimpse into, in hopes of finding money I never lost) and checked the credit card holder. There, all the way in the back was a present I never used. I found my credit card-sized magnifying lens.
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